


It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

by thatdamneddame



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: 5 Things, Christmas, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-26
Updated: 2012-12-26
Packaged: 2017-11-22 12:20:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/609763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatdamneddame/pseuds/thatdamneddame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“No, you don’t understand,” Natasha implores, when Natasha never implores, “You cannot invite Clint and Phil to your Christmas party.”</p><p>Or Five Reason Not To Invite Clint and Phil to Your Christmas Party</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

**Author's Note:**

> So here's my Christmas Fic, a day late, but whatever. I was busy yesterday breaking in my new coffee maker and chilling with the family.
> 
> Some notes before we begin:
> 
> [this](http://www.saratogasweets.com/peppermint-pig-tale.cfm) is a peppermint pig  
> Yankee Trading is more often called [White Elephant Gift Exchange](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_elephant_gift_exchange) and is perhaps the worst thing ever created. I was repeatedly traumatized by this game as a child. I still haven't forgiven you, John, for taking all that Hershey's Chocolate syrup from me.
> 
> I hope everyone one had a Merry Christmas.

“No, you don’t understand,” Natasha implores, when Natasha never implores, “You _cannot_ _invite_ Clint and Phil to your Christmas party.”

Tony Stark is the man who miniaturized the Arc Reactor in a cave in Afghanistan with nothing more than a kidnapped neurosurgeon for an assistant and scrap metal for parts. Tony doesn’t do _cannot_.

“Natasha, baby,” Tony tells her, (he is also a man who has never really learned to listen when it counts), “I think I can handle Clint and his ball and chain at a Christmas party. I’m Iron Man.”

Iron Man can prevent the nuclear destruction of New York City. Iron Man privatized world peace. Iron Man can do anything. Natasha knows, however, the same way she knows how to break a man’s neck with her thighs and how to make the perfect soufflé, that Iron Man cannot do this.

 

**1\. Clint And Phil take Christmas as a personal challenge**

“You’re wearing antlers,” Tony says, dumbstruck. Indeed, Clint and Phil are each wearing a pair of soft, felt reindeer antlers. Clint’s are red with little bells attached.

“How astute of you,” Phil observes dryly at the same time as Clint says, “It’s a Christmas party,” and shoves a platter of homemade fudge into Tony’s hands.

Pepper, bless her heart, does not seem as put out by this as Tony does. “Clint. Phil,” she smiles warmly, undeterred by the festive headgear, “Merry Christmas!”

Coulson does this thing that Tony guess counts as smiling and he gives Pepper a kiss on the cheek. “Clint made fudge,” he tells her sincerely. Clint preens. Tony notices that there is a purple glitter reindeer on Clint’s sweater. There’s a snowman on Coulson’s. It has a corncob pipe and  button nose. Tony does not understand.

“Don’t worry, Stark,” Natasha says, sounding not at all reassuring, as Pepper guides Clint and Coulson into the kitchen, “That’s not even the worst of it.”

 

**2\. Clint and Phil take mistletoe _very_ seriously**

“I left them alone for five minutes,” Tony tells a furiously blushing Steve, “ _Five goddamn minutes_.”

For all of his blushing and forties sensibilities, Steve is a distressingly modern man. “I think it’s sweet, that they’re still so in love,” he risks a look back over to where, under the mistletoe, Clint clearly has his hand down the back of Coulson’s pants, before adding, “But maybe they could pick a more appropriate venue.”

Natasha, like an Angle of Reckoning, appears and glumly informs them: “This is nothing. Whatever you do, avoid standing anywhere _near_ the mistletoe if Clint’s around.”

Thor is lucky enough to learn this lesson the hard way. It turns out hand-down-the-pants is just how Clint does Christmas.

 

**3\. Phil is never allowed to make eggnog**

Tony becomes suspicious when he’s sitting on the couch and the world suddenly seems like it’s starting to tilt violently to the left. Steve is still dancing with Pepper to Burl Ives and Thor is still tucking into the buffet like it’s his last ever chance for a meal, so Tony does not suspect Super Villainy. Steve and Thor are very vigilant. Tony knows this to be true.

“It’s the eggnog,” Natasha informs him, and Tony wonders where she came from and why there are two of her.

“Did you read my mind?” he demands, “Can you read minds?”

Natasha sits down next to him on the couch, and that small movement makes Tony’s stomach lurch dangerously. “You let Phil make the eggnog. Not even your years as a functioning alcoholic playboy billionaire can prepare you for that.”

This does not sound right to Tony. He has spent many years slowly pickling his liver. He can drink with the best of them.

“Just you wait,” Natasha explains, holding up a glass of punch that Tony had spiked himself, “Thor’s going to be singing sagas soon enough. Should have stuck with the punch, Stark.”

Tony hates it when Natasha’s right. On the bright side, Thor has a lovely singing voice.

 

**4\. Yankee Trading is Serious Business**

It was just supposed to be a game. It was just supposed to be light hearted fun. _They were just supposed to be gag gifts_. Tony does not appreciate Natasha’s look of _I told you so_ , nor does he appreciate Pepper’s _Jesus Tony can’t you just have one quiet night_ glare.

Steve is sitting in the corner, quietly being traumatized by the most terrifying purple vibrator Tony has ever seen. Thor is happily smashing away at a peppermint pig. Clint is wearing a tiara and a look of smug superiority while Phil takes a cell phone picture of his new, pink uggs.

“My niece is going to be very jealous,” Phil says in total sincerity, as if the man who worshiped Captain America didn’t just Keyser Soze Steve Rogers into winning a sex toy in a theoretically innocent game of Yankee trading.

“This is why I stopped coming to your Christmas parties,” Natasha informs him, sounding upsettingly fond.

Coulson smiles the smile of a man who does not fear death, and Tony figures that he probably doesn’t. “It’s not my fault you always lose.”

Natasha throws her new pair of juicy sweats at Coulson’s face and Tony deeply regrets all of his life choices.

 

**5\. The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to sing loud for all to hear**

Apparently Phil’s eggnog is strong enough to get a Super Soldier drunk enough to forget that he was forced into accepting a terrifying sex toy as a Christmas gift. It’s also apparently strong enough to make Coulson think that singing is a good idea.

“It’s not that his voice is bad,” Tony explains to Pepper, “It’s just I didn’t think he had this much of a personality.”

Pepper frowns into her eggnog, “Don’t be mean, Tony. Phil is a friend.”

Tony is not so sure of this. Normally his friends do not conduct holiday sing-a-long’s in his living room. But, then again, Tony never had an Alien God Who Is Strangely Enamored With The Saga of Frosty The Man Of Snow as a friend before, either.

“Will it ever stop?” Tony asks the universe at large, fully expecting JARVIS to respond.

“No,” Natasha sighs, “They haven’t done their ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ number yet. It’s choreographed.”

Tony thinks he should switch from punch back to eggnog, “Of course it is.”

“It could be worse,” Natasha says, several glasses of punch in and sounding the better for it, “You could have put on a Christmas movie. They almost got a divorce over the Great _Meet Me In St. Louis_ Versus _It’s A Wonderful Life_ Debate of ‘07.”

This, Tony does not doubt. Next year, Tony decides, he’s spending Christmas in the Alps.

**Author's Note:**

> How could I have forgotten to thank the eternally wonderful prettyasadiagram for encouraging me to put sex toys in my fic? She understands Clint's innate desire to traumatize people. Also, she encourages me to write fluff. We should all be thankful.
> 
> While I'm last minute kudos-ing folks, I might as well give a big ol' thanks to my non-fandom friend who introduced me to peppermint pigs. Musket, I love you forever.


End file.
